My journey

As of July 31 this year we have now been in Wake Forest for 9 years. In some ways it has been long and in other ways it has seemed short/gone by fast. In the time here thus far I have been through many ups and downs. God is and has been faithful and I have learned so much. Not too long ago I found myself in a deep dark spiritual pit. I felt so alone and lost. I believe at this point and even questioned whether I was truly saved and whether I was going to Heaven. I was so not sure where I stood with God. It is a place that is very hard to describe and a place I hope I never go again. But through it all God never left me. The truth of the matter is I slowly and gradually walked away from God. I was still His, but I wasn't walking with Him. So many things were going on during this time that I was struggling with. I had a couple of friends having marriage problems and I was trying to encourage them. I found that in one of them that the friendship gradually began to change. I truly struggled with that. Part of it was selfishness on my part, but part of it was the enemy at work in both of our lives. Watching my friends walk this path was hard for me. I shared with them what I knew, but I still felt like I was failing them in giving them the advice they needed to push them on to Godliness and good works. God saw all of that and used it for a lesson for me. It was probably the beginning of my walk towards the pit and downward.

The Seminary life is really tough also. It can be financially hard, and I found myself stressing sometimes over finances and trying to figure out what I could do to help bring some money in. We both knew it was God's will for me to be at home. You see I was not totally depending on God. I was trying to do so many things on my own. Again walking further and further into the pit. The sad part is I didn't even realize what I was doing. During this time I also found that I was struggling with Abigail. She is very strong-willed and knows all the right buttons to push and pushes them all. This was another tool of the enemy that caused me to go further and further into the pit. I found myself sometimes making comparisons with other parents thinking their kids are good and obedient and they have it all together. This time period I really began to feel alone. God did send a special friend into the neighborhood and into my life that helped me begin to see that I wasn't alone. This is a special friendship that is so hard to find. Such an awesome spiritual friendship. (Thank you Amy for being such a wonderful friend especially during this hard time. I love you dearly and miss our times together). But as normal here, people come and go, but we remain. My friend moves to Georgia. This was hard for me again. Just when I find a friend that clicks with me on a spiritual level God moves her on. God was of course trying to show me that He is all that I need. Sure this friendship will always be special. I needed to see that God does give us special friends, but He will always be enough for us. Unfortunately, I am a little hard headed and I didn't get that yet. God would not give up on me. He never left me. God sent other dear friends in my life during this time also that encouraged me and listened. Thank you Marcy, Cari, Gina, and Jamie. What a wonderful bond of friendship we have even though we all are miles away. I love you all!

Next, we learned of a church plant downtown Raleigh and believed it would be a good place to learn: seeing as how we felt that when we finished school and moved on we would be ministering in the inner city. I knew a couple of the Pastors from one of the previous churches we attended and loved them. So we visited and fell in love with the church. Things were going a little better, but I still found myself struggling spiritually. I learned a lot here at this church, but because I was walking in the pit I found myself unhappy again. We were struggling with at this time Jonathan and Abigail wanting to go to church. Every Sunday was a battle or argument or struggle to get to church. Another tool the enemy was using. They enjoyed Sunday School, but for whatever reason they would say (actually mostly Jonathan) "I don't want to go to church". He did enjoy the fellowships the church would have after the service from time to time. The Pastor would ask some of us to walk around a few of the blocks around the church and invite people off the street to come in and eat with us a free meal. Jonathan loved that even though he didn't ask. We all went out together as a family and invited people to come. What a testimony to him and a lesson for him. I loved that. Unfortunately, I began to see that Paul and I were struggling each Sunday as well. For myself I felt I wasn't getting anything out of the service because of the children distracting us constantly. A tool the enemy used. I feel like during this time as well things were getting worse for me and Abigail. I was really having a hard time with her with discipline issues and communication issues. We were clashing bad!!! This is another point I felt I was still falling deeper into the pit. Again, God never left me, but I was pushing Him further and further away trying to figure things out on my own. Gas prices were going way up during this time also and we were having a hard time financially being able to fill up the van. I also felt that a wedge was being built between Paul and myself; another tool of the enemy. We both agreed we needed to find a church that had a great children's program and was much closer to the house.

We ended up at Richland Creek Community Church again. The kids seemed to enjoy Children's Church and that is what we were hoping for. God was putting us in a place we needed to be ready to receive. Shortly after going to the church I attended a Mother/Daughter tea with Abigail and heard an awesome message by a lady in the church, Tammy Schofield. God began to do a work in my heart a little at a time. The next event was a Women's Conference at the church. (Usually they do this out of town, but this particular time they decided to have it locally-again God is working). They offered a variety of classes for the women to choose from. One particular class I chose was "The Strong Willed Child". This was God ordained (my mentor would tell you the same thing as well)!!! Needless to say I cried just about the whole time I was there. God was continuing to work in my heart and pulling me in and showing me that I needed Him and He was enough! I still was struggling, but I began to see or feel a little hope. Shortly after this conference there was a meeting on Mentorship for the Women's Ministry. I attended this meeting (God ordained because I don't go to things like this not knowing anybody). The Women's Ministry is trying to start up a Mentoring Ministry following Titus 2. Guess who else attended this meeting? The lady who taught "The Strong Willed Child" class at the Women's Conference. Do you see God working? It is so good!! So during our time of getting to know one another I asked her if she would be willing to mentor someone who has a strong willed child. She agreed (She has an awesome story to tell about this also). I didn't know her very well, and she didn't know me. She only knew what she saw that day in class during the conference: a broken hearted girl who was struggling. Still to this day as I tell this story I feel the tears welling up. It is so hard to describe all the emotions I was feeling and going through during this difficult time. But God continued to give me a glimpse of hope. We began meeting in December I believe and it, along with God's help, has changed my life. It has nothing to do with her; it has to do with obedience to God from both of us-she and I. I feel I have grown so much in the last 9 months. I still have a strong willed child. God did not change her, and I wasn't asking Him to do that. I knew I was the one that needed to change. God has continued to be faithful to me and I am ever so thankful. Through meeting with my dear Mentor, Anna, I have learned how to deal with my strong willed child. Have I arrived? No. Sin will always rear its ugly head, but I have changed and am still working on being better at parenting her. I no longer feel I'm surrounded by darkness and loneliness. It is such an awesome feeling. Thank you Anna for being obedient as well. I'm honored to have you in my life and have learned so much from you. Thanks for being real with me. I love you dearly. God has placed another special friend, besides my wonderful mentor, who encourages me as well. God knew we both needed a special friendship so He allowed our paths to cross. Thank you Deborah for being obedient to God and being an example of what a relationship with Christ looks like. I love you friend!

This is where my journey has taken me thus far. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me and for my family. Still more to come.