Passages I'm dwelling on

SIN!!

(Noah mad because he didn't get what he wanted)

Is this the way I look to Christ when I don't put off the old self and put on Christ?

The verses I am deeply dwelling on lately is from Colossians 3:8-9, 12-13 and Proverbs 15:1. As I studied the book of Romans with my mentor the thing that seem to come out of that quite often is the concept of "putting off the old self and putting on Christ". Again now as we are working through a different study it continues to come up. (I guess I'm a little hard headed and have to be reminded often). The Colossians passage reads: Put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth. Do not lie to one another. ...Put on tender mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another...even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. I find that I struggle with anger and wrath quite often with my children, and maybe even filthy language out of my mouth in that the way that I talk to them sometimes is a little condescending. I try to teach them that in everything we do we are to glorify and honor Christ. So on one hand I'm trying to teach them the right way and yet on the other hand my example teaches them the opposite. It is so hard sometimes to not allow those ugly sins to creep up and out. But that is what God requires of me: put off the ugliness and put on beauty-Christ. I am working on walking in the verse "A soft/gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Remembering that my response to them should be soft and gentle is where I find myself. Sometimes I'm quick to speak and it comes out harsh. God continues to teach me everyday as each child has their issues or bad day by reminding me of putting off anger and wrath and filthy language and be loving and kind toward them and be merciful toward them. Another thing I've actually learned this week and have begun to recognize is bitterness comes in when they are struggling and not obeying and not loving each other and their attitudes are disrespectful. Just this week I had to push away the bitterness that was trying to rear it's ugly head when my child was arguing with me and I'm trying to get everybody to my friend's house. I had a dr.'s appointment and new I needed to leave at a certain time. Because I was struggling with this child the time I left was much later than what I wanted to leave. On a normal day I would have been okay and made it right on time or within 15 minutes. We ran into a traffic jam on the way and therefore I was 20 minutes late and could not be seen that day and had to reschedule. As I was leaving the office and got in the van and headed home I just sat in silence and dwelt on the Bible study I had that morning on bitterness. On occasion I would have gotten upset and allowed bitterness to come into my heart towards those involved in causing us to be late and let it all out. That moment it would have been Paul probably getting to hear me rant and rave about what should have happened and we wouldn't have been late. Instead on this day God prepared my heart for what was ahead. My choice then was after getting into the van just sitting quietly (as he rants and raves) and meditating on what God was teaching me. Now since then it has had opportunities to come up again. As I have worked through this study with my mentor we are learning that we constantly need to look in the "mirror" and do some soul checking and making sure we are reflecting Christ. As I have now stopped and taken a look this week into my soul mirror I see that I have definitely not put off some of those ugly things. I do thank God for those moments I see where I have put on Christ, but there are so many other areas that still need working on. I will always be in the process of sanctification. I'm just a little impatient sometimes and want change to occur quickly. It doesn't always work that way. I pray that God will continue to help me overcome those areas I'm struggling with by continuing to place His Word daily in my heart to help me keep my soul in check.

hard lessons

I hate watching my children learn hard lessons. Today I watched Jonathan have to learn a hard lesson. It wasn't a life altering hard lesson, but for him it was major. He wasn't getting what he wanted. Here's the story: We all go to Chic-fil-A for lunch after Abigail's swim lessons. I get them all a kids meal. Usually what happens when we eat in and get a kids meal they all trade in the book/toy for ice cream. Today, I reminded them of that. Jonathan tells us that he doesn't want ice cream today, so he opens the item that came in the happy meal. When it came time for the others to get their ice cream Jonathan gets upset because he wants ice cream (he also wants the item that came in the kids meal). We told him we weren't paying for an ice cream that we explained to him earlier about it. He begans to cry and get upset. You can see the hurt and disappointment in his eyes. We had to talk with him about listening to mommy and daddy. I think sometimes God feels the same way with us when He sees we are about to learn a hard lesson. He explains to us the result of our decision, but it is just that-our decision. He knows what the results will be for us when we make either decision. I believe His heart breaks for us when we choose to make the foolish choice and end up learning a hard lesson. So often we want our cake and eat it too, but God says you can only have it one way. We choose to obey or disobey. If we choose to disobey, it is encouraging to know that we are only one prayer away from healing and righteousness. 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Here are some updated pictures of all of us. We went to the beach a few times. Everybody loves the beach. Timothy is not real keen on the water. It takes him a long time to have anything to do with the water. One day I took the kids to the Marbles Museum. It was a lot of fun. The last picture is of all of us at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, DC. It was a lot of fun.

My journey

As of July 31 this year we have now been in Wake Forest for 9 years. In some ways it has been long and in other ways it has seemed short/gone by fast. In the time here thus far I have been through many ups and downs. God is and has been faithful and I have learned so much. Not too long ago I found myself in a deep dark spiritual pit. I felt so alone and lost. I believe at this point and even questioned whether I was truly saved and whether I was going to Heaven. I was so not sure where I stood with God. It is a place that is very hard to describe and a place I hope I never go again. But through it all God never left me. The truth of the matter is I slowly and gradually walked away from God. I was still His, but I wasn't walking with Him. So many things were going on during this time that I was struggling with. I had a couple of friends having marriage problems and I was trying to encourage them. I found that in one of them that the friendship gradually began to change. I truly struggled with that. Part of it was selfishness on my part, but part of it was the enemy at work in both of our lives. Watching my friends walk this path was hard for me. I shared with them what I knew, but I still felt like I was failing them in giving them the advice they needed to push them on to Godliness and good works. God saw all of that and used it for a lesson for me. It was probably the beginning of my walk towards the pit and downward.

The Seminary life is really tough also. It can be financially hard, and I found myself stressing sometimes over finances and trying to figure out what I could do to help bring some money in. We both knew it was God's will for me to be at home. You see I was not totally depending on God. I was trying to do so many things on my own. Again walking further and further into the pit. The sad part is I didn't even realize what I was doing. During this time I also found that I was struggling with Abigail. She is very strong-willed and knows all the right buttons to push and pushes them all. This was another tool of the enemy that caused me to go further and further into the pit. I found myself sometimes making comparisons with other parents thinking their kids are good and obedient and they have it all together. This time period I really began to feel alone. God did send a special friend into the neighborhood and into my life that helped me begin to see that I wasn't alone. This is a special friendship that is so hard to find. Such an awesome spiritual friendship. (Thank you Amy for being such a wonderful friend especially during this hard time. I love you dearly and miss our times together). But as normal here, people come and go, but we remain. My friend moves to Georgia. This was hard for me again. Just when I find a friend that clicks with me on a spiritual level God moves her on. God was of course trying to show me that He is all that I need. Sure this friendship will always be special. I needed to see that God does give us special friends, but He will always be enough for us. Unfortunately, I am a little hard headed and I didn't get that yet. God would not give up on me. He never left me. God sent other dear friends in my life during this time also that encouraged me and listened. Thank you Marcy, Cari, Gina, and Jamie. What a wonderful bond of friendship we have even though we all are miles away. I love you all!

Next, we learned of a church plant downtown Raleigh and believed it would be a good place to learn: seeing as how we felt that when we finished school and moved on we would be ministering in the inner city. I knew a couple of the Pastors from one of the previous churches we attended and loved them. So we visited and fell in love with the church. Things were going a little better, but I still found myself struggling spiritually. I learned a lot here at this church, but because I was walking in the pit I found myself unhappy again. We were struggling with at this time Jonathan and Abigail wanting to go to church. Every Sunday was a battle or argument or struggle to get to church. Another tool the enemy was using. They enjoyed Sunday School, but for whatever reason they would say (actually mostly Jonathan) "I don't want to go to church". He did enjoy the fellowships the church would have after the service from time to time. The Pastor would ask some of us to walk around a few of the blocks around the church and invite people off the street to come in and eat with us a free meal. Jonathan loved that even though he didn't ask. We all went out together as a family and invited people to come. What a testimony to him and a lesson for him. I loved that. Unfortunately, I began to see that Paul and I were struggling each Sunday as well. For myself I felt I wasn't getting anything out of the service because of the children distracting us constantly. A tool the enemy used. I feel like during this time as well things were getting worse for me and Abigail. I was really having a hard time with her with discipline issues and communication issues. We were clashing bad!!! This is another point I felt I was still falling deeper into the pit. Again, God never left me, but I was pushing Him further and further away trying to figure things out on my own. Gas prices were going way up during this time also and we were having a hard time financially being able to fill up the van. I also felt that a wedge was being built between Paul and myself; another tool of the enemy. We both agreed we needed to find a church that had a great children's program and was much closer to the house.

We ended up at Richland Creek Community Church again. The kids seemed to enjoy Children's Church and that is what we were hoping for. God was putting us in a place we needed to be ready to receive. Shortly after going to the church I attended a Mother/Daughter tea with Abigail and heard an awesome message by a lady in the church, Tammy Schofield. God began to do a work in my heart a little at a time. The next event was a Women's Conference at the church. (Usually they do this out of town, but this particular time they decided to have it locally-again God is working). They offered a variety of classes for the women to choose from. One particular class I chose was "The Strong Willed Child". This was God ordained (my mentor would tell you the same thing as well)!!! Needless to say I cried just about the whole time I was there. God was continuing to work in my heart and pulling me in and showing me that I needed Him and He was enough! I still was struggling, but I began to see or feel a little hope. Shortly after this conference there was a meeting on Mentorship for the Women's Ministry. I attended this meeting (God ordained because I don't go to things like this not knowing anybody). The Women's Ministry is trying to start up a Mentoring Ministry following Titus 2. Guess who else attended this meeting? The lady who taught "The Strong Willed Child" class at the Women's Conference. Do you see God working? It is so good!! So during our time of getting to know one another I asked her if she would be willing to mentor someone who has a strong willed child. She agreed (She has an awesome story to tell about this also). I didn't know her very well, and she didn't know me. She only knew what she saw that day in class during the conference: a broken hearted girl who was struggling. Still to this day as I tell this story I feel the tears welling up. It is so hard to describe all the emotions I was feeling and going through during this difficult time. But God continued to give me a glimpse of hope. We began meeting in December I believe and it, along with God's help, has changed my life. It has nothing to do with her; it has to do with obedience to God from both of us-she and I. I feel I have grown so much in the last 9 months. I still have a strong willed child. God did not change her, and I wasn't asking Him to do that. I knew I was the one that needed to change. God has continued to be faithful to me and I am ever so thankful. Through meeting with my dear Mentor, Anna, I have learned how to deal with my strong willed child. Have I arrived? No. Sin will always rear its ugly head, but I have changed and am still working on being better at parenting her. I no longer feel I'm surrounded by darkness and loneliness. It is such an awesome feeling. Thank you Anna for being obedient as well. I'm honored to have you in my life and have learned so much from you. Thanks for being real with me. I love you dearly. God has placed another special friend, besides my wonderful mentor, who encourages me as well. God knew we both needed a special friendship so He allowed our paths to cross. Thank you Deborah for being obedient to God and being an example of what a relationship with Christ looks like. I love you friend!

This is where my journey has taken me thus far. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me and for my family. Still more to come.